Hi! It’s me. I’m here. Don’t ask me where I’ve been because I’m not really sure. I’ve been in a rut. Stuck. “Un-mused”, I guess to create my own word for it.
I have had a dull ache in my stomach and tears brimming under my eyelids for months now with everything going on. Part of it is loss of control. The feeling that I cannot change anything. I’ve written government officials and school officials. I’ve hugged my kids through their tears and physically, empathetically felt the pain of their losses and disappointments. And I’ve watched our world become filled with people hidden by masks, no smiles to be seen in public, and it pains me. It hurts me to the depth of my soul and my “Kristy Sands positive attitude Angel person” has become not so positive. I am just stuck. Smiles and hellos and human hugs and love are what I thrive on; and this current world without them is so NOT ME!
After I dropped my youngest daughter off at middle school last week (very blessed she has two days of in-person!) I literally pulled over and sobbed, yes SOBBED for a good ten minutes because she walked into a mob of masked people! Masked ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen year-olds at their school! Kiddos not being able to see the smile of friends after months apart and kiddos having to meet teachers whose faces they cannot even fully see!
This hurt my heart so much and everything just came pouring out. So many emotions surfaced. Feelings of not being a good mom lately, a good wife, even a good friend because I have not been myself. Feelings of being unorganized. Unstructured. Unproductive. Feelings of not handling this pandemic well AT ALL. Feelings of anger that so many lives are disrupted in so many ways and anger that so many of these disruptions could have been prevented! Sadness. Anger. Frustration. You name it, I was feeling it. Not to add to all the other emotions I always feel the first day of school as my kids only get older. I. HAD. A. BREAKDOWN.
I have been numbed. In shock. Sad. Moody. All of our lives right now are SO SURREAL and that school drop off just shattered the crack that has been spreading inside me for months.
It is a crazy, crazy time right now and I just do not understand what is going on. The virus itself. The violence. The reactivity. The misconstrued advice taken to mean “law” when it is really not even legal. We are on a horrible treadmill that we cannot seem to get off of and it is wearing on me, I am out of breath and I cannot breathe behind my mask without getting a headache!
So after my breakdown I realized, OK, enough. I have got to pull myself together. True to Spirit I am trying to be positive. I am trying (really hard but it’s not easy!) to push the negative thoughts away and get back to my heart and out of my head. Trying to spread love even from behind the frustrations I am feeling and the mask I sometimes am wearing.
So, with kind understanding from my dear family I took a day today. I drove up to the mountains and I just sat down by the river alone. And I decided that:
ONE: I need to admit I have been in a rut
AND,
TWO: I need to pull up my bootstraps, suck it up and get out of it!
I am going to try to do it with M.O.M. outlined below. My goal is to try to do at least one letter of M.O.M. a day and best case, two or three letters a day:
M: MOVE! I have got to get off my butt. Seriously every time I walk, jog, take a yoga class, etc. I feel better, WAY better, but the problem is making myself do it. A glass of wine on my patio sounds much easier sometimes and numbs my sadness for awhile. True. But sometimes it can make me more sad as well. So, wine down, butt up. (Or at least wine after I move). I have remind myself how much moving helps me and helps get the blood flowing through my body. Sweat out, adrenaline in!
O: OUTSIDE! I have to be outside. It heals me. Literally reaches into my soul and soothes me. Some days this could mean just my backyard, a short walk or blessedly today having time to sit by the Snake River. I honestly feel like a whole new person right now than when I woke up this morning, I’m not kidding. Anywhere outside works.
M: MEDITATE! Meditate to me does not mean OM’s and fancy breathing. It just means finding quiet and taking time to be alone so that I can listen to my HEART and not my head. Today my outside and my meditating blended…. (LOL, I guess that means I actually did have an “OM” today!) because I found my silence by the river. But this silence could be five minutes alone in my car, my closet, anywhere I can be alone. Even a few minutes can make a difference!
I pray we see change soon. I pray I can stop living in a world of masked people. I pray the violence stops and we remember we are one people who at the end of the day have the same innate needs. Who all live in the same country which is supposed to be “United.” But, in the meantime I am hoping to write more and get back to me again, and try M.O.M.
And as I try this, I hope to be a better actual Mom. I hope to be more patient. Less snappy. Drink less wine. Be more present. Oh my dear daughters I am so sorry for the mood I’ve been in. I’m trying and I love you more than words could ever say. I will get better!
My love and blessings also to all you other moms and friends out there struggling during this hard time for all. We will get through this, I know this deep down. Please feel free to write or post here anytime about how you are doing. We are all in this together. Let me know if M.O.M. works for you. ❤️