No Guilt Allowed

A few weeks ago, my daughter Katy had to have a medical procedure for a hip injury that for me was very scary.  As I watched her being wheeled on a gurney through the operating room doors and I yelled after her, “I love you so much Katy,” I broke inside.  I had to excuse myself from my husband and head to the bathroom and sob, literally take deep breaths as memories of me being wheeled on a gurney to brain aneurysm surgery years ago engulfed me and I remembered my mom, dad and brother yelling after me, “I love you Kristy.”

It was a crazy moment for me (I’m sure some ptsd!) and one in which I asked myself, how in the world did my mom get through my nine-hour brain surgery? But she did, and I knew I would get through Katy’s much shorter one.

And as my Angels always pull through for me with signs, I stood up from my sobbing hunched position and there was a penny right there on the ledge in the bathroom and I heard the voice “she will be ok.”   I posted this on my Instagram and Tick Tock pages and was met later with tons of criticism from my kids because I guess I panicked everyone they knew that Katy was in a huge accident or something, (sorry for the scare!) which was not my intent.   My intent, however, was that I reach out to all moms whose child has every had a surgery, a scare, an accident, a procedure because IT IS HARD.   IT IS SCARY!  No matter the level of severity, no matter how sudden or how much time to plan, how can a mom watch her child be wheeled behind operating room doors and be ok?  I think it is impossible, but we do it.  WHY?






So, do I regret my video?  No.  It was my raw emotion, my feelings for Katy who I love with all my heart.  And do I regret my other instances of “helicoptering”, my “Karens” (as the kids call it today!), no, I don’t regret those either because I can honestly say here that EVERY SINGLE THING I have done (or, yes, OVERDONE!) for my kids was done out of what?  Yes, OUT OF LOVE!  Pure one hundred percent love for them, love felt with all my heart and soul.

So to those of you moms who reached out to me directly after that video to see if I was ok, I LOVE YOU, thank you for getting it!  And for those dear friends and family who are still reaching out every day to see how Katy is doing, thank you, I LOVE YOU for getting it.

And this extends to all other matters as well, non-surgical.  All the everyday emotions and occurrences.  Oh my gosh, I am going through college choices with Emily my senior right now!  She is doing an absolutely amazing job with everything she has on her plate but with this COVID year, Lord, I cannot even imagine dealing with college decisions too!   All I want for her is to be happy and to get in her first-choice schools, (even though I know she will thrive anywhere!!), but I know my wishes for her and my constant questions to her stress her out MORE.   And Katy’s hip injury is keeping her out of dance for months when that is her true passion in life, and my heart breaks for her because she is just miserable.   But I stress her out MORE by adding PT and doctors’ appointments and now, yes, laser treatments (Yikes!) to help her get better.  And Ashley, poor Ashley feels left out with all the attention her sisters are getting, but I stress her out MORE when I reference it and remind her how much I love her too.  So basically, right now I am stressing all three kids out MORE when all I want to do is help.   All I want to do is show them I love them.


We’ve all been there, but the bottom line is: our heart aches for our kids HOWEVER and WHENEVER they are hurting.  And I truly believe we cannot feel guilty for how we act in response to this.  I have never been a mom before!  I am doing the best I can!  I screw up (a lot!).  I make my kids mad (a lot).  But I will tell you this, I am SO proud of each one of them and if they yell at me or call me names I will still be proud, and I know in the back of my mind that they will appreciate me and they will love me when they are my age,  just like I love and appreciate my mom so much now.

And as I read over the detailed and amazing journal and documenting my mom did for my brain surgery I realize, this does not change over time.  This love is infinite and strong and it is just who moms are.

So, if you ever feel guilty about something you have done out of true love for your kids, I firmly believe, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!  Let it go.  I believe it is who we are.  I believe it is who we all should be proud and honored to be.  I believe we are extremely blessed to be moms and we can only do the best we can, one day at a time!

Post note: Great thanks and love  to my own dear mom who I know I yelled at and blamed and called whatever the word for Karen was back when I was growing up.  You are incredible mom, and I love you dearly.  And now, as a mom I too know nothing matters to a mom more than her children.  EVER.  And I, from now on I will sing that out with pride in whatever way (or video) that works for me, NO GUILT ALLOWED.


Blessings and love to all moms,




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